Citation

Brenner J. Acad. Med. 2022; 97(3): e322.

Copyright

(Copyright © 2022, Association of American Medical Colleges, Publisher Lippincott Williams and Wilkins)

DOI

10.1097/ACM.0000000000004547

PMID

35212681

Abstract

The focus on mental health in the May 2021 issue of Academic Medicine is laudable. The articles represent a step forward in addressing this pressing issue that plagues our medical profession. Culture will change, one story at a time, and every shared story brings us closer to being a community willing to address mental health challenges. Today, I am writing to represent a voice that was not included in the Academic Medicine conversation: that of a physician left behind after a loved one--another physician--dies by suicide.

For anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide, the world can feel lonely, filled with unanswered questions and inescapable guilt. What was missed? What could I have done? And of course, the question that will never be answered: Why? As a physician, my guilt is only magnified by thoughts of what I missed as a professional. While I wanted these issues to engender a conversation with others, it is one I have had largely with myself.

I have made small strides that give me hope for the future. I remember the first time I said the word suicide out loud. It is a cause of death that is complicated and intensely personal, so at first, I kept it to myself, fearing the reaction it would elicit. I owe a debt of gratitude to my closest colleagues for creating a safe space. I remember the relief conferred by the simple act of saying suicide in the presence of another. While this was a step forward for me, I continue to encounter frightened looks in the eyes of coworkers who are not yet open to this conversation. Unfortunately, this is the more common response, conveying the sentiment: Please don't talk about this. I don't know how to respond to you. This makes me so uncomfortable...

Language: en